and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
whose ass print is on the piano?
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
