how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Randomize
