this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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