i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Randomize
