so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
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