He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Randomize
