There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
