Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Randomize
