I'm going to jail i love you
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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