just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
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