i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
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