I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
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