She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Randomize
