Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
