I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
