Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
i just wanna soil my oats bro
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
I need to stop coming to work sober
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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