it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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