Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
