seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
