today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
So I just went to clothing optional bar
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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