so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
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