We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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