i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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