If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Randomize
