Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
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