One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Randomize
