My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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