If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
You've changed since you got that strap on
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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