I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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