The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Its like we are women, and boise state is a gangster rap song. This game is degrading
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Randomize
