if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize
