I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
so while we were having sex, he stuck it in my but, and when he finished he goes next time can we have anal. i don't know if that means im tight or my butt hole is loose, i choose to think the first one
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
