i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
