So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Randomize
