so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Randomize
