He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
