a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
