i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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