I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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