i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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