she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
