i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
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