the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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