Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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