Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
