Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
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