I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
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