I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
Randomize
