I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Randomize
