i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
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