did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
