take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
