The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
