You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
