dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
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