he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Randomize
