Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize