She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Randomize