He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
