The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
