Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
you never un-have a 4some
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
