Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize