Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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