Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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