i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
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