She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
She even gives head with a lisp.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
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